INDIANS MOOD

Acting is an inherent quality for all of us and the behavioral management for each individual’s is changed on the basis of situation and opportunity. Saying something and thinking something is a common trend to all and we never act like a human but we claim ourselves as human that’s the reason I penned down these thoughts on the white paper to erase the superstitions dust that’s building a large gap between human and humanity. Here rules are made on the situations demands and rulers are made on the basis of opportunity. We are living in a constrained world: it’s a virtual world created for our own self satisfaction and no one is ready to jump to savor the real truth .Still we are Indians and believe in the concept of HINDUISM.

Hinduism is an open minded discipline where we believe, GOD is omnipresent. The important concept in Hinduism is that God can be realized right here in this world and the God is not just magnificent Almighty, but is also a sweet lovely One, with whom you can have a relationship devotee, spouse, sibling, child, parent, friend ... God is not just in some heavens, it is right in us. It is both transcendental as well as intermixed in everything. Those who realize its presence reap the grand reward.

But all these open disciplines and its relating rich cultural heritages are actually shrunk under our misconceptions and superstitions. We believe we are all made by one almighty, but we differentiate ourselves in the basis of caste, race and religions.

India is a democratic, socialist and secular country, but how many of us know the real meaning of these big words. We have created new theories with respect to the situations and most of theories are self benefit theory or may be a common community benefit and we follow them blindly. I don’t know how much strength these theories give the humanity but one thing is clear, new concept of humanity is defined. We can change the definition of humanity but we can’t follow the existing as acting is an inherent quality for all of us.

We know the genuine meaning of the caste, but our egocentric brain always ignore the truth..Everyone in the superior race to show their superiority, like we came from kings family, royal family, Brahmin family etc… but truth is we all are same but not applicable here because we are incredible. We are such a fool that not to differentiate in between Varna and caste which lead a large gap in between Indians and Indians.

We “people of India” are the successors of a rich cultural heritage, created and left for us by our ancestor for different walk of life, but these heritages are locked inside a museum and probably covered with inches of dust. But ethically we are not an Indians just acting like an Indian as acting is an inherent quality for all of us.

It’s a beginning for end…………….

GHOST VISA, No one can escape

It’s around 12 o clock night; suddenly my Pulsar has a flat tyre when I am riding to my room. The place is so dark that my eyes can’t catch any shop and home within my view. I am really screwed up as the victim of the most unwanted situation and scolding me for not using tubeless tyre and remembering of Pavan’s so called suggestion for using tubeless tyre which I often ignored. Slowly the whole place is getting engulfed with croaking sound of frogs and nocturnal lives and becoming more horrible with the shaft of lightning sound. Fluttering leaves with stormy wind and maddening sound from the dark void all are terrifying me so much that my heart is beating like a drum and beads of sweat streaming from all the direction. My inner conscience correlates the situation with the Ram Gopal’s “DAS KAHANI “story. It all seems; a brutal assault on a mere helpless mortal.

“Hold on buddy. Why am I behaving like this, in such a precarious state?” I tell myself putting my hands on my pounding heart to calm down. Stealthily my hand slide into my pocket for the cell phone to call Jord Malli, but “no signal” message on the screen worries me more .

“This is all happening because of Jord Malli, because of his filthy discussion and a great Australian brandy that cause me this late. He is another great man who always interlinks other frustrating stories with his stories and behaves like the most experienced guy in all level. He has every bullet to gun down and interweave with the other problem and situations. Every weekend we usually sink in rum, brandy… and discuss about all kinds of nonsense, like politicians. He is so talented as a politician to bluff everyone, that’s why I am always confused how Mali got dumped. Again I assure myself, a lady can do anything, she can even bluff the GOD”.

It is starting to rain and slowly synchronizing with loud thunders which push me to run towards a big banyan tree nearby. As I am running, a bolt of lightning slamming on my body and am screaming in pain and at the moment everything goes black out….

When I am trying to get up, I am not able to open my eyes properly as the place is so bright .I am surprised, where am I and what kind of the place is this? I check my watch and it is still showing the same time 12:10 AM and I am little bit bewildered about the whole state. How this terrible place becomes so peaceful or is it my imagination? I am pinching my skin with my finger nail to know that I am not in an imagination. As I am walking on the way with hundreds of queries in my mind hunting for answers, suddenly my eyes strike a place, so alienated with brightness and darkness. When I step into the darkened side, I can’t see anything even myself, because of full dark void just like the incident occurred half an hour before. Definitely it’s the f... effect of Malik’s brandy. I start hammering my mind with my hands to get rid of hangover, but all my efforts become futile.

The song which I often sing always after two pegs starts playing again in my brain

“Hoch what a night, I am everything.
When I get few drinks in me,
I become an actor, cricketer, business man,
But not a simulation engineer
Ohh ! What a night, I am everything”.

But why today this state of experience is scarier than simulation engineer experience, what is happening to me exactly, can anybody tell me? I start screaming in all direction. Suddenly a gust of wind slaps my cheeks throwing me to some undefined place.

I stand up quickly rolling down my eye balls in all direction and trying to invade the darkness, but my eyes can’t win over the darkness. As the resonance of wind settling down, the whole area is turning to hypnotizing silence.

“Ohh.. Man! What’s going on with me? I have never experienced such kind of a hangover. Am I losing my vision or am I mentally retarded”, these all f.. questions are revolving in my brain .

“Oh Malli! What have you mixed in my brandy, it seizes my life”, I banter myself and am cursing Jord Malli frantically. Echo of my words is coming back to my ears as like someone scolding me. now it’s all gone out of my control , I start screaming in all direction, suddenly I hear someone’s crying voice which is more horrible than my screaming.

“Oh God, whose voice is this? May be someone is getting trapped like me”, I am moving towards the crying source thinking about it and trying to put all frustrations aside. As my steps move slowly, my eyes slowly invade the darkness and I can see a camp fire from a long way. At every step towards the camp fire ,I savor the natures beauty , looking the twinkling stars up my eyes which seems very near to me and lighting bees are covering the entire area like a decoration, the whole scene seems like a Director Banshali set. The magical touches of cold breeze engulf my whole stress and my eyes synchronize with heart relishing each bit of serenity of the place, I even forget the deadly screaming sound. I just wonder which place is this, I have never seen in Kukatpally.

“Oh! What a day man, it’s a surprising day for me, lots of surprises”, I am saying to my inner conscience as I am stepping towards the fire. Again I hear the same screaming which propagates all around the place and smashing the serenity. My eyes catch five guys who sit around the fire and making abnormal sound like a wolf barking in the middle of the night. I am rather upset with their screaming which breaks the stillness of the beautiful place. All five are wearing dresses of different colors and they all seem like drama artists. It’s a bit difficult for me to bear such kind of sound so without hesitation I am moving forward to camp fire for stopping them.
“Hey! Five wolves! What drink have you had, why are you barking and may I know which place is this in Kukatplly?”, I impose a lots of question and same time eagerly waiting for the answer.
They start laughing at my questions, at that moment I am little bit bewildered why are they behaving like mentally retired. Its might be the effect of alcohol drops.

Hey! I am NARESH_1930, this is Gopi_1995, near to him Warangal Shiva_1980 and near to him kiran_1990.what you think about us is not right, and we are ghosts and waiting for visa.
My face is expressionless and I don’t know what kind of the drink they have had, they are all talking like bullshits words ghosts, visa etc... I am asking them “Hey! Are you kidding or still you all are in drunken state?”

“We are not kidding, our appearance may not be alike to scary ghost movies, but it’s not like what you are thinking, we are true souls without body. We have got passports like a death certificate from YAMLOK, but we haven’t cleared the visa interview for the next level, means hell or heaven from BRAMHALOK. The prefix of our name indicates the year of death and dress colors signify the extension of next interview and we all have been waiting for visa interview since respective years. It’s a kind of chastisement form BRAMHALOK for premature death people and we all are under this category. Gotcha….” NARESH_1930 ends his speech, rolling his eyes and starts staring at me like a drunker.

“Premature death! Are you joking?” I shriek in shock. I have heard premature birth but premature death?!! Don’t try to fool me NARESH or 1930, whatever your name is.

“Hey buddy chill down; I know these words may be surprise to you, but its truth. We all are dead before death and it’s all proved at Brahmalok in visa interview.

I don’t know what happens to me when Kiran_1947 says “hey buddy chill down” which propagate into my ear and sudden metamorphosis happens to my body which forces me to know more about them. By seeing my curiosity, kiran says “hey do you want to ask anything?” yeah I just wonder how you all tagged the premature death, its little bit confusing, shocking and above all what happens at BRAMHALOK in visa interview.

“Everyone has a strong reason”, Kiran reply.
“May I know your reasons?
“Yeah off course why not! “, all are saying in one tone. Well let’s start with Gopi as he is looking more mature with his appearance and basically his jumbo belly .I lend my ear and start feeling the member of them.

He starts crying when I am calling him matured guy and you know because of my appearance I have not got visa .I couldn’t forget that day when I entered into visa interview .The first question was asked “how old are you”.” I am just 16”. “Ok your visa is rejected”, he simply replied without saying any reason.

“Who? Bramhadev?! ”, I ask Gopi cursorily. Have you ever heard president conduct the interview? . SO he has assistance and equipped with all technology for recording our data and no one can escape?”Ok do you get your reason?”

“Yeah! I got a long letter and their clearly mentioning each reason”.“I am a very brilliant student and I always dip into the study books focusing on getting good rank. So I could get to enter a premier institute like BITS. I have never cared about my health which gave me a jumbo belly. I slowly start thinking like calculate way and put behind feelings far away like a complete machine without any emotions and do only thing study for getting marks. Mar 95, BITS entrance date, I was very much nervous. I never burn my daylight even on the way to exam center .My eyes were only concentrating on notes and when I was crossing the road, I couldn’t see the traffic signal and suddenly a truck smack me and engulfing my body into her six tyers where my life alleviated with blood stained note papers. I couldn’t understand the imperative of human’s life and that’s why I am here as a disembodied soul which is very painful.” His voice is overwhelmed with sobbing.

“Well I have also wasted so much time but not like him”, I assure myself by taking deep breath. I forget to judge myself: is it imagination or real but it makes me eager to know more other reasons so I could count where I fit, moving more quickly to Warangal Shiva.
“Hey don’t ask anything, he is the only one who gets long extension” NARESH says with exaggeratedly.

“If he feels shy then why don’t you tell”, I reply with tenderly, waiting for his reply.
“Gotcha, he is the man who always scrimps and saves for future and believing money can buy everything what a man want. So he is always busy accumulating the money and feels happy to see lots of money in locker, on the same way he has always worried about the security of that. His obsession over Green notes leads him unhappiness and even breaking of all relationships, but he has never tried to change himself and never realized the meaning of life which all pilot to mental disorder and spend a single penny either for himself or for other.”

“Oh… what a man!” I say with a surprising tone.
“He he he …. If you know how he died, you can’t stop your laugh”, Kiran giggles.
“Oh ... Please! NARESH continue”

One day money was stolen from his locker which was very small amount compared to his wealth, but after listening ,he suffered major heart attack, like money rich blood blocked in his heart and couldn’t bear the pain of losing money and finally collapsed . And in visa interview He tried to bribe one of the assistants in Brahmalok for getting heaven visa.
That’s why his interview was not conducted and postponed without any other date and handed over a letter in which written

“You poor fellow, you come naked and go naked”

“Hmm ...like a life imprisonment”, I say myself and my eyes budge to Kiran’s face.
“Ok Tiru, I am also telling.” he says by seeing my curios eyes.

I have never repented myself for not getting visa. I know suicide is a big offence but I didn’t have any option as I couldn’t live a single moment without her. I was living with her breath and her body aroma always lingering around me. My heart was involved in a universal reaction, catalyzed by her smile, shaping a magnificent, beautiful feeling known as “love”. It was an irreversible exo-desired reaction which could not brake at any condition.

“Are you chemical engineer guy”, I ask Kiran by hearing chemical terms.

“Yeah I am chemical engineer from BITS”, Kiran reply.

All eyes start staring at GOPI as KIRAN counter.” hey don’t stare, if I had been alive I would have definitely got a BITS seat “, GOPI holler in all direction like a ghost.
“Stop GOPI! Don’t behave like a child. Kiran! please continue“ NARESH grins as he is moving close to fire.

What could I say? 14th Sep when she responded to my proposal “I love you too so much Janu”, Three words from her heart beat struck my virgin soul like a lightening. A wonderful experience I had , losing my sense as if the whole world turned blank and my feet slipped from earth and elevating my soul in her utopia , heart pumping her name in my blood molecules, forming a loveable reaction vigorously . When, “SNEHA”, her name comes through my windpipe, rejuvenating my soul, I get love goose bumps all over my body. 14th Sep we were celebrating Valentine day, we both exchanged our feelings through our true hearts. Yeah! It’s a V-day, victory of our love.
But our victory couldn’t stand longer over society evil eye and their superstitions .our ironic love was melting down and scattered into pieces .One day she left me forever forever………… and she was getting married with another guy. I don’t even know where I was wrong; she knew that without her I couldn’t breathe single moment. She was completely molded her heart and swabbed my name by her parents as I did not belong the same caste. But without her, I couldn’t stand more and there was no meaning of my life and that night slowly blood molecules were freezing by high dose sleep pills and choked in heart and the my heart stopped beating forever.

“Oh so sorry Kiran, sometime unconditional love lose her battle for conditional love”, I say as I am dabbing my tear. But I am anxious to know what happened exactly in Brahmalok interview.
My visa was rejected and consulate handed me a letter in which clearly mentioned that “suicide is immoral and criminal offence”, but I did not accept my letter and started arguing with consulate.

“Why should I accept? Your system tends to divide the human. I am now this situation because of your caste system. We are living in castocracy country and it’s more painful. Creating a human and play with them if it’s your hobby then you do not deserve this honor.”
“Wow! You squabble with consulate, “I say surprisingly.
“yup”, but there is no use after a lot of argument as you know our hands are cuffed with their philosophical policy. Finally consulate handed over a bunch of papers, attaching a number of policies” which numb my brain and I couldn’t speak one more word.”

“Hey what things are written!” my curiosity continuously digging into the Kiran’s brain.
“
Dear Son,
I could feel the depth of your pain of broken heart but do you really feel that all things happen because of me or because of your society?
Humans are one of the wonderful creativity of my life but today I really feel low for my creativity. I am really offended by my creativity and couldn’t find any human being existence on the earth what I created earlier. They lose their unique attribute –Humanity.
Region,, race, religion and moreover caste system, it’s all come from your side not from mine. Standing on the ego center, no one can understand the meaning of human life.
Please come out of all those barriers and feel the importance of life. So stop blaming our system, if you want more details please gone through the all policies or log on WWW.BRAMHALOK.COM
Regards,
Senior consulate
Bramhalok office.
“

“This was all that happened to me”, Kiran take a long breath as he is mounting his head on wood.
My inner conscience starts to talk with my brain and note all the experience they had so that I could implement it and easily get visa when I will reach that state. Such kinds of thoughts are lingering around me, and I am comparing their traits with my attributes so that I can escape from visa rejection.

Suddenly Kiran voice penetrates in to my brain and forces to land my inner conscience.

“What’s up man?”
“Nothing man”, I gently reply by settling my inner conscience.

Well I could understand what you feel now, but it’s all real fact where no man can escape.
Within a minute all eyes fall on NARESH, everyone’s eyes intensify me that I am not the only person to keen interest to know about him.

“Yes Tiru, what you think is right we also don’t know about him why his visa was rejected .he is very principal man in our group so we never dare to ask him, but today he can’t escape from our curios eyes”.

Hey don’t worry, I will tell you what I was, what I am now and why my visa was rejected, but first off, all please stop eyeing on me.

Our ears slowly immerse his voice wave length as he is starting his epic story.

“Life is so beautiful, but time slips from our hand by the time we really realize it. Instead of enjoying each bit of life, I have filled my backpack with misconception which nags me always. What I want, where I really fit? Such kinds of questions loiter around me. I could feel my irritation and anger towards others that seethe and stew in me. Being a human I couldn’t understand the importance of life and always trying to find negative aspect of the others.
Standing on the other side of the world, I am trying to rule over others with my own perspectives. Instead of winning, I lose continuously with mine own given principals that lead to imbalance between my professional life and personal life.”

“Misconception, frustration, is it all your first names?” my brain pinch as I heard number of times of those words.

“Yes its true, stringing my nerve chord, you can hear only crestfallen tunes. I have been metamorphosed by that tunes and called as BABA by my colleagues.

One day Brain nerves could not resist the overflowing of misconception and the consequence was a brain stroke and my soul permanently was levitated to brahmosphere.

“What happens in BRAMHALOK”, everyone asks one thing.

You all are lucky guys, at least you all got the chance for appearing for the interview, but in my case I was halted at the security check in and was not even permitted to enter consulate chamber.

Everyone is shocked! Why you don’t have a passport?
Passport! This is the only place anyone can get the passport without applying.

‘So why are you stopped “, I ask.

Ha ha… Why I was stopped? it was the same thought came to my mind and when I started arguing with the security guard. They only reply was, one line against my bunch of questions,
“Be a human, it’s a place for human beings “

From that day I have been roaming around in the brahmosphere for getting the meaning of human values as I hated the essence of being a human earlier. You know one thing! What you don’t learn in life that you can learn here during this period.

Papapann…, papapann.. An unusual sound bit slowly engulf all the darken area and creating alarm.
Hey! What is that sound bit?

This is wee hours alarm and it’s time to go.

“Actually I have learned many things from all your great experiences, I think like me most of the people are unaware about the life and importance of human values. Lets gather tomorrow again and share your experiences with me and I can also highlight on TV channel by taking help one of my friends.

Please make promise before you all leave.

“Hey man! We are ghosts, don’t forget that? And it’s not possible “, NARESH chuckles.
“Why is it not possible? Then how could you share all that with me? “, I ask curiously.
But their weird smile is a puzzle to me, which is difficult to crack.

Hey Man! Don’t think more about it; just try to remember what was the last thing happened to you before coming here?

Yes I faintly remember, my bike tyre was punctured, heavy rain fall, a lightening slammed on me and after that I have been roaming on these strange lands and finally met you. .
So you remembered all the facts, that’s great! Please try to see through my eyes then probably you will get all the answers.

When I am looking through NARESH’s eyes; a charred corpse is lying under the banyan tree. Yes, the same banyan tree. It means……….
“Welcome to BRAHMALOK and get ready to VISA interview”, All say in one tone.

Tomorrow dies forever

My project deadline has come to an end. I couldn’t complete it on time as I am very new to the job. I have been in dilemma about my situation and whole time skirmishing with chemical engineering calculations, mostly simulation (tuning parameters). I was so busy from last three days that I couldn’t have time even to chitchat with my friend Gopi, who sits near to my work station. I was really cast down with Spain lead engineer deadlines. Yesterday I was working so hard to get the result, but all my works were in vain. The whole model got crashed; flash failure and solver problem which were crafting me more edgy. . The hour hand ticked off pretty fast, yet I couldn’t get any solution. On contrary my lead engineer pinged me number of times in Skype about the project progress. When I gazed up the station, almost all the staff has left.
“Hoch what’s up man, what happened to me, let’s enjoy the weekend. Don’t worry everything will be alright”, I whimpered myself, gazing at the wall clock.
Hurriedly came down to parking place and moved to my room with high speed. As my speedometer picked her high range, suddenly I stomped on the break. My pulsar started slipping and engine snarling like a wounded panther.
“Hey man, are you mad? Don’t you have sense to while walking on road”, I hollered controlling my wounded panther.
He was heavy man with big moustache, looking like Yumdut.
“Hey, I have some urgent work, please give me the lift .I have to go hospital to pay operation fees”, he requested me.

I was already late, but it’s a matter of life. So without hesitating
“Come on”, I said, as I changed my gear and geared up the speedometer.
On the way, he was sitting very silently. To break the silence,
I just asked,” is everything alright”
“No son, I have lied you to get lift”, He replied.
“What the hell, you know, I don’t have single minute. I am very busy with my work and I couldn’t get at least good time for fun. You simply wasted my time. Get down...........”
“Hey cool son, why do you react so high. Please drop me near the Malaysian town” ”
“Hey I couldn’t spare a single minute, get down”, I shrieked, eyeing to him.
“Well son, if you drop me, I will get your last past three days”, he said.
“What the hell, are you kidding? Get out from here”, I shouted.
“Hey son if you really get the last past three days what would you do”
“Then I will be very happy and I can finish my project. Hmm.. my God , if really it happens “
“Hey son, what happened to you? I have given you most precious offer, even then you are worrying about your project. Do you have any lifetime dreams and wishes? If today is your last day then”
Then also I yearn to complete my project. Please let me go. I don’t have time to listen your words”
“ Tatastu “
I was waked up by someone’s yell. I really sunk into bed with the effect of late night project work.
“What’s up man? Somebody is crying outside my apartment in the wee hrs. Guys are really gone mad”, I muttered under my breath.
Slowly the sound of crying raised with sun rays and disturbed me lot.
“Hoo man, please stop all nonsense, I just want to sleep for some more time”, I said gazing at the window.
Number of people gathered in front of my apartment. I was really shocked to see the huge crowd.
I came down quickly to know the reason.
Hey what’s that, my friend is crying and someone held him. I couldn’t get what’s really happening here.
I shouted his name several times, but he couldn’t hear a single word of mine. As I was moving towards the crowd, suddenly I noticed someone holding my shoulder and pulled towards him. I turned back, to find the same old fellow whom I accidentally met last night.
“What are you doing here? Still any more plans to irritate me. Please leave, I don’t have time to chitchat with you. My friend is crying there, I have to go. Moreover stop your weird look”
“Hey son, really you don’t have time. You are no more here, time up dear. No one hears your words and shares their feeling. Let’s go”
“What the hell are you saying? What that tricky words mean.”
“You are dead. You are just a soul without a body”, he said with brawny voice.
“Hey don’t f... me. Stop kidding. You are really insane”
“Hey son, then you go and see the truth, but you should accept the truth.”
His words confirmed me that he was really mad,may be escaped from mental hospital and I was the first fish in human river who was caught and tested .(whatever the dramatically scene which took place by some insane people, forced me to know the truth behind). So I was moving towards my friend and trying to hold his hand, but I was not able to grip his shoulder. I was really shocked after eavesdropping my name number of times from his gruff throat with rolling sprints on cheek .I was little bit bewildered about the whole situation ; what the hell was going on here , please anyone explain me!!! but there was no reply as if no one heard my words.
“Hey son, turn back and look there and we don’t have more time “, The old man said as he was holding my shoulder. The moment I turned back, I was really stunned.
“What’s that? My corpse lying on the floor “

“That’s true, your life force has left your body forever, all your relationships with this world have come to end and I am here to take you forever”, he said as he was trying to hold my hand tightly.
My parents, relatives and friends arrived and made the situation more sore. Some of them were shedding true tears, others crocodile tears.
How could I die? Last night I had chatted with my friends and then fell asleep. Where was the point to die? Still
It’s all unbelievable
“Hey son, it’s true and you have to believe this truth”, the old man said as he was trying to push me up.
After a while, my body lying on the bier was being tied with piece of colour cloths. The whole body was being tied.
“Hey! Pull the rope that side and tie the neck tightly”, one guy shouted as he was tying the bier.
“Hey! What are you doing with my body”, I shrieked, trying to pull them from my body.
But all were in vain, my words had never been touched and my hands couldn’t get their grip.
“Oh poor boy, your body is already dead. Let’s move. There is no place for you here”,
“How can I die? I still had number of unfulfilled dreams. For the past four years I have been disheartening about my life and moreover I am living in my dark room where can only breathe my own exhaled air. I am far-flung from all relationship and can’t savor precious time of my life”
“Hey boy, that’s not our problem. You are really lucky to get human life .How you exploit your life is up to you. Even GOD can’t help you. You people never understand the real meaning of life and yourself complicate it with useless reasons. You have been living such a worthless life because of your so called angel, who dumped you and decided yourself everything has gone and attempted suicide”
“Yes it’s my mistake, but I love her so much. My heart couldn’t stand firm her cheating. By the way I am always trying to get out this stuff, but I couldn’t “, I replied.
“She is very happy; she couldn’t even try to recall you. Why do you stick into the same reason from the last four years?”
“Love her more than my life, is it wrong? “
“No son. But it’s all part of the life, but your life is not a part of the love. This statement is more enough for you to understand. Well you also lucky enough to get wishes, but you couldn’t utilise it. Hey son, why don’t you understand?
“Wake up, wake up…………. Sir…” the words jingled in to my ears.
That’s the voice of office boy,” Hoch! It’s all a dream “, I said to myself as I was taking long breathe.
So hurriedly came down to parking and moved to my room with high speed. As my speedometer picked her high range, suddenly I stomped on the break. My pulsar started slipping and engine snarling like a wounded panther and my head collapsed with car head. People gathered around me and my eyes became faint. That’s it….
Its all over for me and what I got at the end of my life is nothing and I just want more days to fulfill my dreams , but tomorrow dies forever for me and I am really helpless .